Your Mouth is Poison (Your Mouth is Wine)
by singyourheartout287
Summary: Kurt and Blaine can't seem to let go of each other. Perhaps, they think, they're not meant to. Season 6 Klaine. One-shot. Built around the song "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars.


_You only know what I want you to_  
><em>I know everything you don't want me to<em>

Kurt is drifting; he knows it. He can feel it in the way his feet carry him, floating along the floors and grounds to destinations he sometimes barely registers. He knows he should be more of an active participant in his own life, but he doesn't know how to change anything, because the only thing on his mind is Blaine-always Blaine-and he doesn't know how to get out of that cycle. Even when he doesn't actually see Blaine, he sees him. He sees Blaine when he stares down into his coffee mug, and he sees Blaine when he puts on the cardigan Blaine bought him for Christmas a couple years back, and he sees Blaine when he drives by Breadstix or the Lima mall or the small gas station where they filled up the tank before driving as far as the car would take them, until they finally had to just fill up again and head back.

It's a dreadful life without Blaine. He thinks back to what Blaine had said to him when he visited for regionals, the visit when they got back together. _"And with you in it, a wonderful life." _It was such a typical thing for Blaine to say that Kurt didn't really acknowledge it except with a smile and a shoulder bump. Now, though, he hears it over and over in his head like a broken record, along with every other romantic thing Blaine has ever said to him-(which is a lot). And then, of course, because Kurt is a realist, he hears all the bad stuff, too. All the fights and the petty insults and the low blows. He hears all of this in his mind every day, replaying every moment of their relationship together, and he still knows without a shadow of a doubt that he wants Blaine back.

But Kurt isn't stupid; he knows Blaine is with David Karofsky now. And while Kurt feels very strongly about being with Blaine again, he doesn't want it if it means hurting Blaine again. The way Blaine's face had crumpled in that restaurant, the way Blaine had completely broken down only to pull it together in an instant of rage, was something Kurt would never be able to forget. And he knew he owed it to Blaine to never hurt him that way again, including not sabotaging his strange but seemingly sincere relationship with Dave Karofsky.

"Kurt? Are you in here?"

Kurt jumps on the piano bench when he hears Rachel's voice. "Yes, I'm here."

The backstage lights flick on and Rachel appears in the right wing, walking out in her simple ballet flats and pink sundress. Kurt thinks he remembers that sundress. She wore it when she went on a date with Finn when they were still in high school. Kurt's eyes flicker over to the mounted picture of Finn on the wall backstage and his heart aches a little more.

"Working on something new?" she asks, placing a hand on his shoulder as she stands behind and beside him. "I promise I won't get mad that you're working without me again. I'm actually kind of low on ideas at the moment."

Kurt shuffles through the sheet music set on the piano before him. "No, sorry. All I've got is a bunch of sad songs about missing the love of your life."

Rachel sighs and settles down on the piano bench next to Kurt, pressing her thigh against his. He wonders if she's lost weight. "I'm sorry, Kurt."

"Can you tell me the truth if I ask you something?" he asks her. "And not just your truth, or the truth you think I want to hear, but the honest, unbiased truth. Factual. Closed to interpretation."

"Sure."

"Do you think I should just move on? I mean, I think Blaine and I are really meant to be. I think life sucks, and it's just a bunch of bullshit and then you die and there's nothing, but then again... What if it's not? What if... What if Blaine and I meeting the way we did wasn't just some bizarre coincidence of the universe? What if we were meant to be together, and even though we both keep messing it all up, that's just how our story is supposed to go? Maybe we're always going to be that couple fumbling our way through because we feel safe enough to make mistakes knowing that the other person will always be there. Or maybe we're just two souls who were meant to cross paths and change each other, and then go separate ways. Maybe I'm dwelling on someone I'm meant to let go of, meant to let change me and leave. But if that's the case, I shouldn't feel such a strong pull to him, should I? Or is that just...just a trick of my own twisted mind?" Kurt pauses and glances at Rachel. "So?"

Rachel cracks a sympathetic smile and licks her hand, pets down the cowlick that always sticks up on the side of Kurt's head. "That's a lot of questions, none of which I have a definitive answer to. Kurt, your situation is not as simple as right or wrong, fact or fiction. I know you don't have any spiritual faith, but in my experience, you should never give up on love. Even when it gives up on you. I mean, Finn and I were off and on so much I got whiplash sometimes, but I always knew he was the one. I always knew we were meant to be together."

"Then why did he die?"

"Because sometimes things happen," Rachel says, shrugging, smile dimming. "I had no control over Finn's death, but I didn't have any control over the way I loved him either. They say love is a choice and that's true. You have to wake up every morning and choose to love someone. But I don't think anyone would wake up every morning and keep choosing to love someone unless there was something magical underneath. Especially during the bad times of a relationship."

Kurt feels his chest clench and his stomach flip. He bumps his shoulder against Rachel's and then lays his head on her shoulder. "I missed you when you were hiding."

"I missed you too," she says, kissing the top of his head.

_Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine__  
><em>_You think your dreams are the same as mine_

... ... ...

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

Blaine is flipping through channels without even taking long enough to see what's on. He knows Dave hates that, and maybe that's why he's doing it. Maybe he's getting on Dave's nerves on purpose, the way he sometimes does, because he's hoping Dave will break up with him and he won't have to think about whether he's cheating on Dave or not by thinking about Kurt so much.

"Just pick a channel, Blaine," Dave mutters, shifting next to him on the couch.

Blaine sighs and puts the remote down. The channel is on commercial break. Dave snatches the remote up and flips some more.

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

Dave puts it on college football, which is fine with Blaine, even though his thoughts are too wrapped up in Kurt to think about anything else.

Why did Kurt have to come back? Why did he have to say those things? That he wants to get back together, that he's going to get Blaine's forgiveness and then his heart... Kurt had said much more romantic things in the duration of their relationship, but that one still stuck with him even now, a few weeks later. The sincerity in Kurt's eyes, the genuine way he'd held Blaine's hand, the openness Blaine saw in his expression. It was different-there was something different about Kurt. It was something Blaine had never seen, but always wished he could. It was Kurt being vulnerable, and open, and honest. Not just enough to appease Blaine, who always begged him to open up more, but all the way. Kurt had come to that bar and laid all his cards out on the table, and Blaine's heart swelled with pride for Kurt and the way he'd been brave.

Courageous.

_Oh I don't love you but I always will _

"Hey, babe, get me a beer from the fridge?" Dave asks Blaine now.

Blaine shakes his head, mostly to himself, and stands up. "Sure. Want anything else while I'm up?"

"No, that's fine. Thanks."

Blaine gets the beer and pops the top off, placing it in the jar on the counter among all the others and carrying the bottle to Dave. He holds it over Dave's shoulder across the back of the couch. Dave tilts his head back as he takes it and smiles at him.

"I think I'm gonna take a walk," Blaine says.

"You sure? It's dark out."

"I know. I'll bring the knife." Dave had gotten Blaine a knife early on in the relationship. _For protection, _he'd said. Blaine's stomach lurched anytime he thought about using it on anyone. "I'll be fine."

"Take a flashlight too."

Blaine laughs. "It's not even ten o'clock yet. I think I'll be okay."

"Blaine. Please. For me."

"Alright, fine."

Blaine tries not to think too much about the adamant way Dave looks after his safety. When he does, he thinks about the reasoning, and he suspects Dave is so overly-cautious because Dave used to go on night raids against gay kids in the area, and Blaine shudders when he thinks about the way Dave used to be and why Blaine might need to be carrying a knife to protect himself. Then he thinks about Kurt and what would have happened if Kurt had been out walking at night while Dave was on the hunt. And these thoughts make him so sick to his stomach that he vomits, hating himself and hating Dave and hating Kurt.

_I always will_

He puts on his coat and wraps his scarf around his neck, slipping the pocket knife into his coat pocket and the flashlight in the interior coat pocket. He thinks about his gloves but remembers that he'd torn them to shreds trying to pull a loose thread off and decides to shove his hands in his pockets for warmth.

The night air bites at him harsher than he expects, but he likes it. Blaine has always liked the cold. He wanders down the street and follows familiar paths around the city, passing by familiar haunts. The park on Westmorrow, the playground on Predstone, the Lima Bean. Blaine stops in the Lima Bean parking lot and stares inside at the dark room, the chairs stacked on top of the tables, the clean floors.

He misses Kurt.

... ... ...

_I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back_  
><em>The less I give the more I get back<em>

"Where you goin', kiddo?"

Kurt pauses with his hand reaching for the doorknob. "Just...for a walk."

"At this hour?"

"I'll be safe, Dad."

"Take a flashlight," Carole says. "There's mace in my purse."

Kurt snorts. "I don't think I'll be needing mace."

"You should take it, just in case."

Kurt rolls his eyes and goes over to Carole's purse on the kitchen counter. He pretends like he's going to take it, but he leaves it there. "Got it."

"Call me when you decide to head back," his dad says.

"Sure, Dad."

"Don't 'Sure, Dad' me, Kurt. I mean it."

"Okay, okay. Geez. You'd think I was going to war or something."

"I'd move us all to Canada before I let you go to war," Burt says stiffly.

Kurt laughs. "Alright, Dad." He opens the door and leaves before either of them can say anything else.

It's a quiet night. Cold, but quiet. He pulls his scarf tighter around his neck and heads down streets taking him out of the neighborhood. He briefly thinks about going to get coffee, then remembers that this is Lima and everything shuts down at 8:00pm, so the Lima Bean will be closed. He's tempted to go there anyway, but decides against it. Instead, he heads to a playground not far from McKinley High. There's an elementary school close to McKinley, and in between the two schools is a big playground that the kids' parents take them to in the afternoons and the high school students hang out at in the evenings.

Kurt's not surprised to see it deserted. At this time of night, at these temperatures, no one's going to want to hang out on a swing set. Kurt does, though, so he sweeps the snow off the seat of the swing and kicks his legs off, trying to swing as high as he can go. He thinks he wants to reach the moon, or the stars, or some galaxy far away. But then, he thinks, he'll be away from Blaine, and he doesn't want that.

No. He doesn't need any more distance between him and Blaine.

_Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise__  
><em>_I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you_

... ... ...

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

After going to the Lima Bean, Blaine decides to go to a playground he and Kurt used to go to sometimes. It wasn't often, and it wasn't when anyone else was around. It was late at night, when one of them texted the other an _SOS _for whatever reason. A lot of times, for Blaine, it was because of his parents. For Kurt it was usually when he was worried about college or moving away.

Blaine wonders if, knowing what he knows now, Kurt regrets those nights. If he regrets lamenting to Blaine about moving away, knowing now how much it hurt Blaine when he did just that.

Probably not.

Then again...

No. Blaine decides not to get his hopes up about Kurt. Because he can't do this again. He can't go running back into Kurt's arms like everything is the same. It's not. _Nothing _is the same. Blaine's worst fear came true-Kurt woke up one day and just stopped loving him. And Blaine still had no idea why. Even now, he doesn't know why Kurt has started loving him again, or why he wants to get back together at all. Kurt was the one who called it quits. Kurt was the one who said he couldn't stand it anymore. Kurt was the one who didn't want to try anymore.

What suddenly changed for him? _Again?_

Blaine knows he'll never ask. He's too afraid of the answers.

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

He comes up on the playground and hesitates on the sidewalk. Someone is already there, swinging high on the swing set. Blaine takes tentative steps forward and, in the light of the moon, recognizes who it is.

"It's a little late to be out here by yourself."

At the sound of Blaine's voice, Kurt jumps and loses his grip on the swing, falling onto the dirt on his butt.

Blaine rushes over to his side. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Are you okay?"

Kurt rubs his lower back and says in a tense voice, "I'm fine. I think...my back just needs...a few minutes."

"Oh, god. Did I break your back? Wiggle your toes. Shake your feet. Bend your knees."

"Put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all about."

Blaine lets out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and laughs. "You're fine."

Kurt shrugs with a small smile. "I don't know. I might be permanently injured. You're paying for my medical bills."

"Would you take me to court if I refused?"

"Yes. And I'd win. And I'd take all of your money and assets."

"Seems a little extreme."

"Then you should probably just pay for my medical bills."

Blaine holds out a hand and stands up. "I think you'll be okay."

Kurt hesitates before taking the hand and letting Blaine help him up. "Yeah, well, it was really touch and go there for a while."

"I'm deeply sorry."

"Don't be," Kurt says. "It was my fault."

And Blaine knows they're not talking about falling off a swing anymore.

_Oh I don't love you but I always will _

"So, uh, what are you doing out at this time of night?" Blaine asks, sweeping the snow off the other swing and settling down on it. He doesn't push off, just twists around.

Kurt sits on his swing again and pushes off. "Just wanted some fresh air, I guess."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Want to see who can swing higher?"

"No, that's okay. I'm content just hanging out, enjoying the night air, the snow, the twirling."

Kurt slows his swing and sits still next to Blaine. "Oh. Okay."

"You know, I used to come here when I was little," Blaine says. He doesn't know why he says it. He just feels a need to fill the empty space left by his refusal to compete.

"I know," Kurt says softly. "I remember."

"You weren't there," Blaine teases, smiling over at him.

"No, I remember you telling me about it," Kurt says, smiling back. "We were on that slide over there. It was right after your parents had that big fight and it was the first time you heard them use the word 'divorce.' It was fall of my senior year, your junior year. Right after you transferred to McKinley."

Blaine's heart pumps an extra beat. He stops twirling and looks at Kurt full-on. "I'm surprised you remember that."

"Why? That was important."

"I don't know. I guess I just...didn't think so."

"You don't think you're important?"

"I do. I didn't think you did."

As soon as the words are out of Blaine's mouth, he wishes he could take them back. He sees their impact on Kurt's face and has to look away.

"I would do..._anything _to go back," Kurt says softly, so quiet Blaine has to strain to hear him over the silence of the night. "If I could, I would go back, Blaine. I would do so many things differently. I would show you how much I love you, and tell you, and I would stop picking fights just to make sure you still cared. I would...I would say I'm sorry for everything I did wrong, and I would kiss you for everything I did right."

"But it's too late now," Blaine says, shaking his head. "Don't you see that? Remorse doesn't change anything. I appreciate you coming here and apologizing, and I'm glad that you seem to be doing well, but I can't get back together with you, Kurt. I can't keep... I can't keep thinking things are going to be different and then getting my heart broken when they're not."

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

"I am different now," Kurt says. He stands up and paces in front of the swings, wringing his hands in front of him. "I want you to know that. I know it doesn't change anything, but I _am _different now. Ask me anything, Blaine. Anything you want. Things you've been afraid to ask, or that I've refused to answer. Ask me anything and I'll answer you honestly."

Blaine hesitates. He knows this won't change anything. He knows that no matter what Kurt says, he won't change his mind. He knows that they're over, really and truly over. That's why he's with Dave now. To try and move on. And he has been, he's been moving on, but still...

Still.

Still, Kurt is offering Blaine answers. Answers to questions that Blaine has been asking himself for months.

He takes the bait. But he starts small.

"Does dying scare you?"

It was something they'd talked about constantly. Anytime Blaine prayed, because Kurt didn't understand who he was praying to or why he thought whispering his wishes to an empty room would change his life. And Blaine always explained that he liked feeling like there was someone in the universe watching out for him. He liked feeling that his life wasn't over just because he died. And Kurt always said that the only reason Blaine had faith was because he was too afraid of death. But when Blaine would ask Kurt if he was afraid of death, Kurt would storm out of the room.

"Yes," Kurt says now. He pauses in his pacing a few feet away from Blaine, glancing over his shoulder at him. "I'm terrified. The thought of me not existing anymore... Of me living a full life, of experiencing so many things, of meeting and loving so many people, and having it all disappear... The thought of me no longer having thoughts, of Kurt Hummel ceasing to exist..." He stops and takes a deep breath. "I'm absolutely terrified."

"Are you really allergic to mushrooms? Or do you just say that because you don't like them?"

Kurt laughs and turns around facing Blaine fully. "I'm really allergic. That story I told you about going to the ER when I was younger because my throat was closing up is true."

"Just checking," Blaine says.

Kurt sits back on his stool next to Blaine. "Why don't you ask me the real questions, Blaine? The ones you really want to ask me."

"Why did you stop loving me?" Blaine wants to shrivel up and die on the spot. He feels so pathetic and small, but now that it's out there, he can't stop himself. "I mean, was it something I did? Was it something I could have changed? I could have changed, Kurt. I _would _have. I would have changed for you."

"I didn't want you to," Kurt says. "I would never ask you to."

"But you did. Every day. You asked me to change my eating habits, and my cleaning habits, and the way I folded clothes and prepared meals and even the routes I took around the city. You corrected everything I did and told me to do it your way."

Kurt glances down at the dirt and kicks it with the toe of his shoe. "I didn't want you to change, Blaine. I just wanted to be on the same page."

"Why couldn't you be on _my _page? Why did I always have to come to yours?"

"Because I feel safe on mine. I feel safe in my own territory, with my ways and my decisions. I..."

"You didn't feel safe with me."

"No, it's not that, it's... I have to be in control. To feel safe. And when I give the control over to you, no matter how safe I know I am with you, I don't feel safe anymore. Because I have no way of knowing what's going to happen next or how it's going to happen and that scares me."

"The same way death scares you. The unknown."

"Yes."

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

Blaine watches Kurt toe a hole in the ground. "You still didn't answer my question. Why did you stop loving me?"

Kurt gets up, walks around the swing set. He hangs on the pole right next to Blaine, walks in circles around it. "I was talking to Rachel the other day."

"Kurt."

"It's relevant, I promise. I was talking to Rachel the other day about us. We were talking about how love is a choice, which I know I've said to you before, but she said something else. It was something that... I don't know, I guess it really stuck with me. Because I don't usually believe in this stuff, but..." Kurt glances up and catches Blaine's gaze under the moonlight. Blaine's breath catches in his throat. "You make me want to."

Blaine tries to swallow and manages to ask, "What did she say?"

"She said that love is a choice. That you wake up every day and choose to love someone. But that there's something magical underneath that. There's a deeper feeling, one none of us can really explain or pinpoint. It's that same feeling that draws you to certain places or things when you're not sure why you're drawn to them. And _that_ -that undercurrent of metaphysical energy-is the real love. That's why, even in the darkest of times, couples will still wake up and choose to love their significant other. I mean, why else would we choose to love people even after they've hurt us? After they've broken our hearts? After we've fought over absolutely nothing for two straight weeks?"

"Rachel said all that?"

"She said the base of it. I've been thinking a lot about it since then and added some of my own thoughts."

Blaine continues to stare at Kurt. "So what does that mean for us? For the way you stopped loving me?"

"It means I was a terrible partner," Kurt says easily. "It means I let you down. I got wrapped up in my own issues and my own walls and my own insecurities and instead of opening up to you the way you did with me, I shut down. I pushed you away. I woke up one day and made the choice to stop loving you the way you deserved." He steps away from the pole and kneels next to Blaine on the swing, placing a hand on Blaine's knee. "But it means that the real love between us, the undercurrent of metaphysical energy, that's not gone. It never will be. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It just is."

They still haven't broken eye contact. Blaine thinks he's never stared into someone's eyes for this long, and he thinks he never wants to stare into anyone else's eyes but Kurt's for the rest of his life.

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

"So now you've chosen to love me again?" Blaine asks.

Kurt sits up higher, shoulders back, stance confident. "I've chosen to love you the way you deserve. Every day. For the rest of my life."

"I'm with Dave."

"I know."

"And you're still saying this?"

"I wasn't going to. I was going to let you be happy with him. But after all of the thinking I've been doing, and then running into you here... I don't think I believe in coincidences much anymore. This has to be fate. Don't you think?"

"Kurt. I can't do this again. I can't get back with you and have my heart broken when you choose not to love me again, and then choose to love me again, and then choose not to love me again. I can't keep waiting for you to make up your mind. You either love me or you don't."

"I love you."

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

The way Kurt says it is different than he's ever said it before. Blaine doesn't know if it's just a trick of his imagination, but the way Kurt says it... Such conviction, such ferocity. There's no wavering, no nonchalance, no apathy, no desperation. This isn't a rushed declaration of affection on his way out the door, or a panted desperate cry as he climaxes in bed, or an automatic response after Blaine has said it first. This is Kurt, sitting at Blaine's feet with his chest held forward, knowing without a doubt that he loves Blaine in both the metaphysical and realistic ways.

_I always will_

And Blaine knows, in that instant, what he's always known. That all he wants to do, all he's ever wanted to do, is spend his life loving Kurt.

_I always will_

"I have to talk to Dave," Blaine says.

"I know," Kurt says.

"We're not getting back together right away," Blaine says.

"Okay," Kurt says.

_I always will_

Kurt stands up and brushes off the knees of his pants, holding a hand out to Blaine. "I'll walk you home. Wherever you live now with Dave."

"It's not far," Blaine says, accepting the hand. He slots their fingers together and presses his cold, bare palm to Kurt's gloved hand.

_I always will_

They walk the relatively short distance to Blaine's apartment complex and stop in front of Blaine's building, hesitating. Blaine squeezes Kurt's hand. "I wouldn't change anything, by the way."

"Hmm?" Kurt raises his eyebrows.

"You said earlier that if you could go back, you would. That you'd change things. I wouldn't. Even during the bad times, I cherished every moment we had together. The fighting, the break ups, the hurt, the tears. I wouldn't change any of it. It was all worth it for us to end up here."

Kurt smiles. It's a soft smile that reaches his eyes, even though it's small. "I'll see you soon, I hope."

"Yes. I'll call you soon."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Kurt leans in and kisses Blaine on the cheek. It's light—barely a press of lips to skin. "I love you," he whispers. Secretive. Like it's something he wants to tell Blaine and only Blaine.

Blaine closes his eyes, just for a second. Then he opens them and looks directly into Kurt's eyes. "I love you too."

_I always will_


End file.
